SaTiger: 7 Ways Mark Zuckerberg is a Better Facebook Stalker Than You

He can go 5 years back without accidentally hitting the like button on that bikini pic; that’s three more years than you.

Mr. Zuckerberg can (and possibly will, via Messenger) bring up your food addiction after seeing the absurd amount of Food Network ads you watch on your newsfeed. He’ll tell you to get some help, and that there are ways out.

Based on the time spent looking at Rogaine ads, he’ll make fun of you (again, through Messenger) for thinning in high school.

He’ll notice your engagement photos you recently posted; to prepare you, ads for feminine hygiene products will invade your newsfeed.

Due to you liking Steely Dan and a meme page millennials cringe at, your main friend group of older high school girls will tell Mark to call the police.

The Zucc will see that you clicked on a couple of fitness models’ profiles, then troll you with weeks of sports bra ads.

He’ll think that you’re a middle-aged mother of three because of the uncanny number of minion memes that show up on both your timeline and newsfeed. Then he’ll see you like Bernie Sanders as well and determine you’re a dysfunctional Russian bot.

The Satiger is a monthly satirical column. This article appeared in the April 2018 edition of the Tiger Times.