The Walkers (saTiger)

In the hallways of Orem High, one can observe a wide variety of personalities, all manifest through the way individuals walk. There are four primary groups of walkers subdivided into several classes each.

The first group, and the worst offenders, are the Stoppers, also known as the Stationary. They can be divided into two classes: the Blood Clots and the Couples.

The Blood Clots are those who just stop for no apparent reason. The name is derived both from their blockage of the hallway, and because the only acceptable reason to stop in the hallway is because they suffer from strokes.

The Couples are easy to spot. They appear to have four arms, four legs, and no eyes, but it is actually two people with separation anxiety and codependency.

The second group is the opposite of the stopper–Speeders. There are three classes of them. They range from the Skippers, to Runners, to Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.’s.

Skippers derive their name from the leaping action they perform everywhere they go and from skipping class to continue to perform said action.

Runners are predictable but hard to track down with all their olympic competitions–the only reasonable explanation for their constant practice.

Dale Earnhardt Jr Jr’s are the ones who mostly go unnoticed. They fly by, drafting to avoid inefficiency, zipping past Clots, Couples, and Skippers to get to where they need to be approximately 20 minutes early.

Students fortunate enough to spot another variety should inform the local zoo as they are attempting to complete an index of all walkers.

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Jake Richards

Jake enjoys fixing stuff, working on his car with the garage open so his neighbors can see how cool he is, and mowing the lawn shirtless so his clients can witness his awe-inspiring 118.5 lbs of pure mowing prowess. He works for serverplus where he spends 15 hours a week explaining how to use WiFi to 80-year-olds in Canada over the phone. He is taking the most rigorous classes available at Orem High, including US History and Seminary.