Satiger: The Genius of Rumors

[/media-credit] Wait, what teacher has a prosthetic leg?

Rumors are essential to any functioning high school or workplace, often seen as a negative when they should be seen as highly informational. Without rumors, gaining knowledge is slow, unexciting, and honestly, fruitless. If used and distributed, rumors have great power and, we as a people have the right to promote said rumors in order to let everyone know what’s up.

For example, if it were not for rumors, Katie Limpson’s terrible misfortune of contracting lycanthrope disease would remain unknown to all—this proven by the sighting of her at the ‘O’ rock every full moon for the clearly obvious and unattributed reason above. Plus, at lunch, she is considered to be a ‘defensive eater,’ growling at everyone who dare comes near her food.

Joshua Yelks is another wonderful example of the brilliance of rumors. If it wasn’t for his football friends pushing him into the ladies room, he wouldn’t have known that the girl’s bathroom has a photo booth in it, therefore explaining why girls always take so long when using the restrooms and why they come out with hundreds of pictures on their phones. By relaying this information to all of his buddies, he then cleared up the misconception of misused time in the women’s bathrooms.

The last and most beneficial example of rumors is Mr. Hanson. By word of mouth, it turns out the math teacher is actually a part time hand model. Lily Holsen discovered this. She explained that this was the reason why the teacher used and expressed his words with his hands so often in class. The only plausible explanation for his excessive gestures is by gaining the information of what he does for his second job.

As anyone can see, rumors actually help people by explaining odd character traits and actions by things that make sense. Rumors are simply an aid to survival and therefore, their value must be exploited.

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Taylor Gardner

Taylor Gardner is an avid lover of three things: food, reading, and of course, writing for her local high school's paper. She enjoys inspiring her fellow peers and readers by flavored sarcastic comments and sly puns (if she can 'taylor' them).