Satiger: The Hunter’s Guide to Halloween

[/media-credit] Halloween is a time for the hunters to rise.

Halloween is a wonderful day filled with fearsome beasts, candy galore, and spooky occurrences. The holiday is festive and fun, plus, it’s a prime time for the hunters of the underworld to gather. See, monsters and beasts aren’t too different from teenagers, but just in case, to stay safe this Halloween, follow these tips to ensure one’s survival.

WEREWOLVES. Lycanthropes are tricky beasts. They are quick and deadly. Perhaps the most deadly thing about the werewolf is it’s massive appetite (nearly to the level of an ordinary high school student’s). To conquer this furry beast, Orem High student and hunter himself, Michael Slivers, suggests, “Lure the werewolf with some Big Macs from Mcdonalds. Then, it’s simple: attack with Mr. Ellingford’s silver encrusted sledgehammer.”

VAMPIRES. Vampires, despite their fame and novel works, are actually widely accessible. Much like typical teenagers, they sleep for long periods of time, hate sunlight (and socialization in general), and naturally despise their reflections (they’re a bit self conscious). To take down these bloodsuckers, Jane F. Angs explains, “I suggest grabbing some red kool aid. It makes the vampire think it’s reverted back to its childhood years. The vamp[ire] will then grab a snuggie, some Disney movies, and meet you outside.”

GHOSTS. Ghosts are rather easy creatures to best as well, because they can quickly become frustrated when it comes to selfies. Give them a phone with the front camera facing them and for hours, they will be occupied with getting the “perfect angle.” Use the flash and send them all the way to the other side.

MOUNTAIN VIEW BRUINS. Mountain View Bruins are perhaps one of the most lethal kind of species; they are loud, congregate in large groups, and are intimidating to any untrained novice, but they have one weakness that hunters must exploit. The sighting of any tiger stalking nearby will send a pack of Bruins running. Zachary Klauwz relays his experience, “I was completely surrounded [by the bruins] but as soon as I threw on my tiger striped blanket, they fled the scene instantly.”

CLOWNS. For clowns… good luck.

Monsters and teenagers are nearly the same things, but the beasts tend to become a bit more… vicious on Halloween. Hunters, grab your kool aid, stripes, and Big Macs to ensure one’s safety for All Hallows Eve.

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Taylor Gardner

Taylor Gardner is an avid lover of three things: food, reading, and of course, writing for her local high school's paper. She enjoys inspiring her fellow peers and readers by flavored sarcastic comments and sly puns (if she can 'taylor' them).