Satiger: The Stairs

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The stairs at Orem High are an article of bewilderment for many incoming Sophomores. When asked how challenging the ascent is, Nate Ferguson, junior at the school, said: “hella.” With an estimated 35 ft peak and roughly 52 steps broken into two main sections with two smaller sections of their own. The difference in altitude becomes apparent especially in the English hall. It is currently unknown as to why the third floor is often warmer than the second.

If one were to attempt to climb the first section without the proper equipment (Oxygen tanks, boots, at least 100 ft of paracord, and a coat rated for -19 Degrees Celsius or lower), death will almost certainly befall them. After ascending the first flight, a bivouac (temporary campsite) is generally the best option; very few, if any, have ever successfully completed the stairs in one day.

The second flight, commonly referred to as ‘Everest”, is believed to contribute to low math and science test scores. At high altitudes, many climbers experience a phenomenon known as HADE (High Altitude Dumb Effect), caused by a lack of, or an insufficient amount, of Oxygen.
It has been reported that the football, cross country, track, and other teams have been seen training on the stairs without special equipment. Such rumours are to be taken with a grain of salt, as the human body simply was not made to function properly at such great heights. Any Sophomores daring enough to attempt to summit the dreaded stairs are to be congratulated.

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Jake Richards

Jake enjoys fixing stuff, working on his car with the garage open so his neighbors can see how cool he is, and mowing the lawn shirtless so his clients can witness his awe-inspiring 118.5 lbs of pure mowing prowess. He works for serverplus where he spends 15 hours a week explaining how to use WiFi to 80-year-olds in Canada over the phone. He is taking the most rigorous classes available at Orem High, including US History and Seminary.